A new chapter, again

I just moved to SF this week for law school! Its been a crazy mental transition, and Im finally feeling well settled and genuinely excited for whats coming up next in my life, namely law school. First and foremost though, I took some pictures of my new crib and I wanted to post em up here.

This is the entrance to the apartment. We are the bottom of a three unit building in the sunny Mission neighborhood of SF.

The entrance is a narrow hallway, which is a good representation of what the entire layout is like. Narrow and long with the rooms on either side of the hallway.

The living room.

My room from the doorway.

The other side of my room.

Among other things, I went to a little mixer last night put on by one of my fellow 1Ls. It was a chance for us to meet up informally before orientation. It was at Mr. Smiths, a club close to school and in the SoMa neighborhood. I'm not one to step out and meet people like that normally, but it was nice to see my fellow classmates and get to know about the people who will most likely go on to be colleagues and friends in the future. The club is a pretty nice spot with cheap and good drinks. I had, for the first time, a Basil Gimlet which is a variation of my favorite cocktail and it was delicious. The music was questionable; had me loving to hate it and hating to love it at times. Overall, a good night. It felt great to just walk out of the club, hop on BART, and be home in 15 minutes without having to even think about driving, parking, traffic, one time, or anything! Going out in SF is gonna be a lot of fun!

...keep it fresh

- Neil

It's not something I believe I can plan. I suppose that's because it cannot be tamed, cannot be controlled. As much as I may want it to happen to me, I don't know if it ever will. I live my life resisting the temptation to assume its occurrence at the same time trying not to be so arrogant as to question its existence. There have been a few times in my life when I thought I found it in another. Maybe I did. Life always seemed so much better in those days. But I always believed that once I found it, it would be permanent. That it would perpetuate infinitely. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps it comes and goes as the seasons, though not with the same certainty. I wish it were certain. Life seems so lifeless without it.

This morning I woke up longing for it, like I have many times before, feeling such an excruciating yet pleasurable pain in some invisible space in the center of my body. Nothing I did could take away that feeling, and in a strange way I did not want the feeling to go away. I imagine it is this very pain that hurts so much when I am without it that feels so good when I am with it. For even pain turns to pleasure in its presence. In its absence though, there is much that can go wrong. Envy fills the void, the antithesis to it. Fleeting and unstable yet so comforting in the exact moment, it eats away at my sanity interrupting the positive flow of my energy. Doubt makes an appearance with all its conceit, its self-righteousness slowly evaporating any sense of certainty and hope. One must have it before it can be shared with others, or with another.

I have so much to give, and no one to give it to.
I have so much to give, and am looking for the one to give it to.
I have so much to give, and want so much for someone to give it to.

How to cheer up a sad iPod

A few months ago when I returned from my travels in Central America, the first time I tried to turn my iPod on it wouldn't work. It gave me the sad face! I had heard stories about the sad face and it being the final blow to ones iPod ensuring certain death. I tried rebooting my iPod, restoring it, I even tried giving it CPR but nothing seemed to work. After a month or two of being disappointed from such a terrible loss, my spirits were uplifted with the purchase of an iPhone! I thought, "Well, my iPod mini has a total capacity of 4GB and my iPhone itself has a total capacity of 8GB so addition by addition I dont need my stupid broken iPod anymore!" And with that, I chucked my iPod and all the accessories I had accumulated over time into a drawer which I never expected to check until the next spring cleaning date.

What a blow to little iPod mini's self esteem that must have been. No less than 3 months of solitary confinement would break the very soul of almost every other mp3 player there is. Yet the iPod mini is not just ANY mp3 player. Unbeknownst to little "miniPod for monsterPod", there was yet a sliver of life left in its resilient heart that would show its colors soon enough...

...For the past couple of weeks I have been getting things together to either take with me to my apartment in SF or pack away in storage for a while. I made my way to the drawer in which little iPod has been sleeping for so long and suddenly, I felt my heart drop. For all the miles I could not have run if not for my iPod, for all the canvassers I could not have ignored while walking up Bruinwalk, for all the songs I would have never listened to if not for the shuffling of its tiny-but-mighty 4GB library...

I couldn't just let it go from dark drawer to dark box, or worse. So I took it out one last time to see if I couldn't get it to work. Once again, I went to Apple to troubleshoot there for a while to no avail. Once again, it didn't work. It was then time to digg a little deeper. I searched the blogosphere for revival techniques and what I uncovered is nothing short of a conspiracy! Nearly all the websites suggested the same solution: BANG YOU iPOD ON THE GROUND. And then Lil' Jon appeared in my room and said, "WHAAAAT!?" to which I responded, "OOKAY!". And in an instant I took my iPod and tossed it across the room. It landed some 10 feet away from me on the carpet with a thud and rolled a couple feet further. Then it just lay there, on its stomach, motionless. As I walked over to pick it up the thought that I might have really killed it was front and center.

I picked it up, and turned it over. No sad face, no apple icon, nothing. I turned it on and to my amazement the little guy woke up!! Pretty much the happiest moment this month!







keep it fresh...like miniPod for monsterPod

- Neil

Who owns you?

I have heard, "It is very difficult for the poor to practice charity." Because one must have him/herself for one to share. You cannot share that which you do not have. Really, material things are not important in this post. It is things like respect, kindness, love that I am interested in. Why is it that we feel we must be given these very things before we can ourselves give back? You do not need someone else to give you respect before you are able to give respect yourself. Sit in a room, be loving. In our world, to practice love you need another being to share it with. No, share love with yourself. Fill an empty room with love, joy, thoughtfulness and see how the atmosphere in the room changes.

There are many things, material and immaterial, that we feel we own. We pay a price for a pair of jeans, or pay our time for a check at the end of the week, or pay with our experience for respect. We simply assume that we own, and thereby control, anything that we pay for or are given. Many of these things we have trouble sharing. Why is it that we do not share our money? The money, yes, is physically in your possession but if in your heart you want to give it to someone else but do not do so then who is in control and who is being controlled? Many times it is us who are possessed by the very things we "own." Free yourself from that which you think you own. Do not be held back by that which you have to give.

Americanaland

I visited the new mixed-use development in Glendale called Americana a couple days ago. From a bit of reading and what I have learned from people some of the goals of mixed-use development are to enhance accessibility, economize on resource consumption, and create a community; among other things I imagine. Though mixed-use is not in any way a new concept, LA has not used it as much as other cities. And I think Americana is a great first step towards integrating residential and commercial spaces hopefully moving away from our "Crash"-like disconnectedness.

But as with many things in LA, it strikes me as pretentious with a lot of fru-fru, if you know what I mean. Straight up, it looks like Disneyland's newest addition: Americanaland! It seems as though no real effort was made to make Americana part of Glendale. Instead the community of Americana is itself a micro-city within a city. With its Orange Express trolley that runs along the walkway lined with shops and restaurants and theaters (mind you, not essentials like grocerys, hardware, dry-cleaners), and past the giant gold statue of, most likely, some greek god straight out of Caesars Palace, around the mini-Bellagio fountains....I could go on. The manufactured "golden era" atmosphere is hardly nostalgic nor inviting to me and made me feel more uncomfortable than relaxed as one hopes to be in an outdoors area like that. One feels more pressure to take in all the sights as if visiting a theme park than to enjoy oneself and stroll through the "neighborhood." To be sure, there were definitely more people taking pictures than were shopping or enjoying an afternoon at the "park." I did find some pretty good deals at the J.Crew though and a business idea as a result of visiting another store, so the day was pretty fruitful after all.

In the future, hopefully I can incorporate more images into these posts to provides some visual stimulation as well.

keep it fresh...

- Neil

Business Casualty

Business. Busy-ness. The state of being busy, like happiness or blandness or strangeness. It's one of those words that is part of nearly every human being's vocabulary in whatever language one speaks. In the world I live almost anything can be a business. Almost everything is. At what point, though, do the highly esteemed precepts of business in our society go from being socially constructive to socially destructive?

I think American society and several others have already passed that point. Business as usual is, and has been, a destructive force to the society and environment in which we live. As a student at the free market capitalism-loving, Milton Friedman-worshiping, Communism-fearing department of Economics at UCLA, I was consistently fed the traditional 'maximize production-minimize costs-government stay the fuck out the way' formula. To be honest, in theory all of it sounds really good.

Then I took an Environmental Economics course and realized that business as usual (economics at UCLA) is in large part the reason why human-inhabited areas of the planet are a complete dump. Though Milton Friedman's main assertion was that free market policies were the best way to set free, politically and socially, a state under totalitarian or central control, I find it hard to believe that the United States is a politically and socially 'free' country. What Milton Friedman didn't bank on was the insatiable greed of humans. That thought is curious, because one of the first thing you learn in economics is the very concept of human greed. Essentially, economics is the study of how to curb human greed from threatening our survival. Hence the morbid fear of monopolies, oligopolies, and the Prisoners' Dilemma.

Though I clearly haven't refined my thoughts in this post yet, my point is that capitalism as it stands is a dangerous force. It has given dominance to those countries that have adopted its ways, but a truly inequitable world has been created as a result. And the scary part is that the countries which are sowing the seed of their economic future today (China, Korea, India, Brazil, South Africa...) are pursuing the same ends that the early-industrial countries did. Eventually these countries will reach a peak like the US and some European countries and then what? For all the dislike of America around the world, there are few countries (are there any?) that have the fortitude to break away from following its lead into an unsustainable future.

...keep it fresh

- neil

Memories

Do you trust your memory? Is what you remember to have happened two years ago on July 4th or graduation night from high school or your first date really what happened? What about that argument you had with your friend, your parents, your boy/girlfriend?...

I have this unusually miserable habit of second-guessing my memory's accuracy. It is not something I voluntarily do because I enjoy it, it is because there are periods of my life that I just can't remember. Therefore I have a hard time trusting whether some of the things I remember are really what happened and if they are in fact my own first-hand memories. For instance, I moved to India when I was 7 years old and lived there for three years. I know that. Because it happened. And I remember selected specific events throughout the time I lived there, but if you asked me to describe a typical 24-hour day in the life of 8 or 9 or even 10 year-old Neil I could hardly get past 3pm (which is when I got out of school). Not only is my memory sparse, but some of what I do know about my childhood isn't even my own first-hand memory. Home videos and accounts from family members make up a significant amount of what I know about my past. To the point where I'm not sure if I actually remember where I slept every night or I know it because I'm told where I did.

Everyone has been through that moment in life with friends, family, or complete strangers that feels so surreal in its awkwardness, greatness, or warmth and we all say, "I'm never forget this moment, this day, this feeling." Well, I've forgotten some of those moments. I know that because in my memory I can see myself saying that line, but in an empty black space, and I can't paint a picture of my surroundings or my feelings or who I was with. It saddens me to think that I am losing those moments in the past that felt so unforgettable in the present. More than losing single moments though, I feel like I can't account for whole periods of time in my life. Not just temporally, but periods defined by relationships, schooling, or travel.

My inspiration for writing about this, you might be wondering, was going through some old photos and greeting cards that I have kept in my wildly unorganized top dresser drawer. Looking at those things triggered emotions about some of the relationships I've had with people that I don't feel right off the bat when I think about them today. In other words, my gut emotion when I am reminded of some of the relationships that have faded away or ended is so different (sometimes) to what I feel when I start digging into some of the "things" I have that remind me of those people.

I guess its great to have a computer which doesn't have a faulty memory system like I do. I truly will never forget that I wrote this because it will perpetuate in 60gb of hard drive and the seemingly unlimited world of cyberspace for all time!

More on the computerization of our lives later.

keep it fresh...

- Neil