It's not something I believe I can plan. I suppose that's because it cannot be tamed, cannot be controlled. As much as I may want it to happen to me, I don't know if it ever will. I live my life resisting the temptation to assume its occurrence at the same time trying not to be so arrogant as to question its existence. There have been a few times in my life when I thought I found it in another. Maybe I did. Life always seemed so much better in those days. But I always believed that once I found it, it would be permanent. That it would perpetuate infinitely. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps it comes and goes as the seasons, though not with the same certainty. I wish it were certain. Life seems so lifeless without it.

This morning I woke up longing for it, like I have many times before, feeling such an excruciating yet pleasurable pain in some invisible space in the center of my body. Nothing I did could take away that feeling, and in a strange way I did not want the feeling to go away. I imagine it is this very pain that hurts so much when I am without it that feels so good when I am with it. For even pain turns to pleasure in its presence. In its absence though, there is much that can go wrong. Envy fills the void, the antithesis to it. Fleeting and unstable yet so comforting in the exact moment, it eats away at my sanity interrupting the positive flow of my energy. Doubt makes an appearance with all its conceit, its self-righteousness slowly evaporating any sense of certainty and hope. One must have it before it can be shared with others, or with another.

I have so much to give, and no one to give it to.
I have so much to give, and am looking for the one to give it to.
I have so much to give, and want so much for someone to give it to.