Memories

Do you trust your memory? Is what you remember to have happened two years ago on July 4th or graduation night from high school or your first date really what happened? What about that argument you had with your friend, your parents, your boy/girlfriend?...

I have this unusually miserable habit of second-guessing my memory's accuracy. It is not something I voluntarily do because I enjoy it, it is because there are periods of my life that I just can't remember. Therefore I have a hard time trusting whether some of the things I remember are really what happened and if they are in fact my own first-hand memories. For instance, I moved to India when I was 7 years old and lived there for three years. I know that. Because it happened. And I remember selected specific events throughout the time I lived there, but if you asked me to describe a typical 24-hour day in the life of 8 or 9 or even 10 year-old Neil I could hardly get past 3pm (which is when I got out of school). Not only is my memory sparse, but some of what I do know about my childhood isn't even my own first-hand memory. Home videos and accounts from family members make up a significant amount of what I know about my past. To the point where I'm not sure if I actually remember where I slept every night or I know it because I'm told where I did.

Everyone has been through that moment in life with friends, family, or complete strangers that feels so surreal in its awkwardness, greatness, or warmth and we all say, "I'm never forget this moment, this day, this feeling." Well, I've forgotten some of those moments. I know that because in my memory I can see myself saying that line, but in an empty black space, and I can't paint a picture of my surroundings or my feelings or who I was with. It saddens me to think that I am losing those moments in the past that felt so unforgettable in the present. More than losing single moments though, I feel like I can't account for whole periods of time in my life. Not just temporally, but periods defined by relationships, schooling, or travel.

My inspiration for writing about this, you might be wondering, was going through some old photos and greeting cards that I have kept in my wildly unorganized top dresser drawer. Looking at those things triggered emotions about some of the relationships I've had with people that I don't feel right off the bat when I think about them today. In other words, my gut emotion when I am reminded of some of the relationships that have faded away or ended is so different (sometimes) to what I feel when I start digging into some of the "things" I have that remind me of those people.

I guess its great to have a computer which doesn't have a faulty memory system like I do. I truly will never forget that I wrote this because it will perpetuate in 60gb of hard drive and the seemingly unlimited world of cyberspace for all time!

More on the computerization of our lives later.

keep it fresh...

- Neil