The massage from Hell

This was written while I was still in guatemala but I got cut off of the internet, so heres the whole story:

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So, I was going to recount all that happened since Christmas Eve (which would end up being too much) but after what happened to me yesterday I have to write this down.

Two days ago I came to Guatemala City from Xela with all my bags ready to get on my flight on Monday. I told myself that I would get a massage to relax before going home because I wanted to feel good returning home after 2 months. Yesterday I found out that the hotel Im staying at has a spa and they do massages. Perfect! So I called them right up and scheduled my appointment for the day. Now the hotel Im staying at is pretty damn nice so I expected the spa to be pretty damn nice as well. Not the case at all. It turned out to be a tiny 4x9 room with no ambience or even anything that said "relax." I guess thats why it was 100Q/hr. What happened to me for an hour in that room is something that I wouldnt wish upon my worst enemy or even George Bush.

I felt like Jack Bauer in China.

for those of you who didnt get that one, try this...

I felt like Jodie Foster in The Accused.

(I dont really know what happened to her; I never saw the movie but I assume it was bad from the context in which it was referenced in Wedding Crashers)

This is how it went down. I laid down on my stomach and she began the massage on my legs. At first i told her to take it easy because my body has become somewhat fragile in the past few weeks. So shes massaging very gently...too gently so I say its okay to put a little more pressure. For the rest of my life I will regret uttering those words to that massage demon woman! She starts putting more pressure and at first its okay until she moves onto my back. I cant explain how uncanny it was that she would put the most pressure on the places that hurt the most to me. It wasnt the type of strong pressure to try to relieve knots or lengthen the muscle, it was just someone angry pushing into your back trying to feel the inside of your spine. Then she would use the point of her thumb to dig into my back and run it along my spine up to my neck.

In addition, my head wasnt comfortably set into the hole of the massage table...well because there was no hole in the massage table. Instead, my head was just hanging off the front of the table so every time she pushed on my neck it was as if my head was going to detach from my neck and drop to the ground. Then, I had to turn over onto my back.

This is where things got really bad. My stomach is really tender right now because Im a little under the weather. Again she started on the legs which were fine. Then she started "massaging" my arms. It was bad. Every way in which you could apply pressure to someones arm and hurt them is what she did to me. Its like she was a martial arts instructor showing me all the pressure points and how to disable your enemy in a fight. Not only that, she would pick up her cellphone every time she got a call, put it against her shoulder, and continue with the massage while talking to whoever it was. Not the most relaxing setting for a massage.

To sum it all up, I was counting the minutes for the hour to end. And finally when it did, I was worse for it. Ive been sore all day today, and I think I'm actually sick. Ill be home soon...

Keep it fresh...